04/12/2021 - Lockdown Loneliness

Dear Rebecca,

For the past week I have come down with a temperature and flu like symptoms. Work has been pretty full on and I have been working late and I have become run down. Now Asher has it as well. Bless him he just wants mummy so although Adam isn’t ill, he refuses for him to be with him in the night when he has been waking up or during the day. Last night he woke up 3 times before 4am and I managed to settle him each time but his temperature is now up at 40 and I’m worried and his breathing is really fast. I knew he wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep as he kept calling for me so I ended up sitting upright on the sofa so that would help his breathing and hopefully get him to sleep. I also have a temperature of 39. I was with Asher on the sofa from 4am and did manage to get him back to sleep. It’s strange I feel so ill but holding him like that, like I used to when he was a baby was so therapeutic even though I hate that he is sick.

Lockdown is really getting to me. After you passed away, I really didn’t feel like seeing anyone and for months I just got stuck into work and because of the first lockdown couldn’t really see anyone anyway which for me made things easier. But now I feel I do want to see people and I do want to talk about things and I really feel like I need a break. No one can come and help because of course no one wants to get sick and it just all feels a bit lonely and I’m pulling on every last ounce of energy I have to get my work done and desperately try and be a good mother and play and be creative but I just feel so run down and my body feels like it is giving up on me as its just not getting better.

Its times like these where I would have called upon your creativity as you would come over and play with Asher and think of things I never could have done and you captivated him more than anyone else has done. I keep trying to channel my inner Rebecca and think how you think and try to come up with ideas. I think everyone is finding lockdown hard, really hard. I can see so many people struggling. I remember you used to say to me that you couldn’t watch the news as you found it too hard. I never had time to watch the news each day due to work but would get the snippets that I chose to read. However, now I fully understand what you meant by that. If I do watch the news which at the moment is more often than it used to be to try and keep up with what we are and aren’t allowed to do I just go to bed feeling even more of an underlying sadness than I’m used to this year because we lost you.

Other than going to get tested for COVID-19 (which was negative thankfully) I haven’t left the house in 3 weeks now. Wish you were here to chat to and bounce ideas off. You would help me think in different ways I’ve never thought of before. I miss you so much.

I hope you’re dancing up there with all the rainbows!

All my love

Esther xx

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