Dear Rebecca,

Today, so I thought would be a happy day. We are moving. We have been in our flat in London during lockdown and trying to look after Asher at 16 months old with no nursery and a full-time job in flat has made us realise, we need to move further out and get some more space. It was inspired by you as you always used to talk about how being outside and in the open air helped so much and we do not have much outdoor space here. Since we lost you, I also felt that the flat reminded me so much of times where you were over and were very unwell and had to take you to A&E. Also, when the NHS mental health wards were full and so they said you had to stay with me until they had a bed available. There were a lot of scary and harrowing memories that kept coming back when I was in the flat after you passed away. So today I was excited to move and get some more space for Asher to run around.

We spent 24 hours awake ensuring we had unpacked everything so that nothing was dangerous for Asher so that after he had stayed with my parents for a day and one night under childcare bubble rules he could come into the house and start to navigate his new home. He loved it but as I shut the door of his room after saying goodnight I just burst into tears.

I had this overwhelming feeling that by moving we had left you behind and that I was being a bad sister and a bad person. You knew the flat, you had visited at least 3 times a week and we had so many memories there but in this new place you hadn’t been to visit and we hadn’t built memories there. The next few days that followed were difficult. I couldn’t settle and I found it hard because for so long I had wanted to get out of the flat as it brought back really harrowing memories but then as soon as we were in the new place I wanted to go back because it felt like by moving, I was losing you more than I already have done.

I worked with my grief councillor in findings ways to bring you to the new home and to have you here with me. I put up the amazing art work you drew for Asher when he was born. I hung up the crystal pendent that a friend sent me after you passed away so that there would be a constant rainbow in my life. That is right next to me on the window by my bed so every morning when I open the blinds, I say good morning to you and the same at night when I say goodnight to you. I also found wearing your clothes very therapeutic and especially now working from home and I can get away with wearing jumpers, your signature item of clothing, I have been wearing your jumpers every day and it feels like you are with me.

Slowly I am settling in here and do really feel that you are with me and that we can make new memories in this new home together even if you aren’t physically here.

I hope you’re dancing up there with all the rainbows!

Miss you so much

Esther xx